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Grief, The Depression Cloud, and Self Love

It’s October. The one month I dread more than any other, because I always experience at least a few days of crippling depression. That depression comes through occasionally throughout the year but always rears its head at some point in October.

Why?

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If you know me in real life or have been following me online for a while, you already probably know the answer. Both my parents died when I was a teen, during this month. It’s a month of synchronicities and pain for me. They both died at age 50, from different things, in different years. For my mom, it was cancer that took her on the 27th, for my dad, a series of strokes on the 7th. Weird, right? Now you know why I have a weird obsession with death, even when I’m mentally healthy.

So every year, in or near October, the skin on my fingers starts peeling, and at some point, my grief and depression become incapacitating. This year, it was only for a few days before I remembered the love that I’ve surrounded myself with, and asked for help from those who could provide it. And now, I’m doing much better, though still in a good amount of emotional pain as my mom’s anniversary comes closer.

This year, my spiritual practice has brought me a lot of comfort. I recently started working with my ancestors, as I joined ADF. This includes my parents. I have a set of candles I light for them and my other family members, as suggested by my guides and the guidelines of ADF ritual. It feels nice for me at the very least. I also joined the local Unity church, and have found an amazing community there.

I recently had a reading & healing with the talented Sabra Eden, and she showed me the ways that grief is still with me, physically and emotionally. If you’ve lost someone, you probably already know, but the pain never fully ceases, it just changes and becomes bearable, and much more quickly with help!

Which brings me back to my point here. When the grief comes up, the depression comes back. When the depression comes up, I internalize it. The feelings come with a little voice, “Look how lazy you are, you’re sleeping all the time, you can’t do anything right, why bother? Everyone hates how useless you are, nobody *really* loves you. You’re a failure to yourself, your family, and anyone who has ever asked you for anything.” And on, and on, and on.

Lately, I’ve been working with those thoughts, finding the root causes, and trying to transmute them. I did pretty well, as evidenced by the fact that I was able to ask for, and receive and step into the love of my family and friends when I don’t remember being able to do that so actively before.

A part of my healing that I’ve been meaning to do for a while, but wasn’t sure how to proceed until the work with Sabra is creating lists. I’ve been following Jessica Mullen for years now, and she does a similar thing. So, what I’m going to do is to create a list of all the reasons I am Good and Worthy of Love. So that next time the depression monster comes back, I can slay it immediately.

I do believe this is an activity that can help anyone who struggles with self-esteem, and with receiving love or help of any kind, especially if you’re an analytical person like me. I remember my first clue to this being a worthy pursuit for me, was when I first had Dani. There were two things that everyone said about her:

  1. She looked just like me
  2. She was sooooooo cute and adorable and all positive things.

Logically, if she’s cute, and she looks like me, that makes me cute. And that was, weirdly enough, a big enough help to me to be useful. This is the kind of style of work I’m going for with this project.

So, the project will go as follows:

  1. Attributes I love/appreciate/enjoy about other people.
  2. Those attributes I share
  3. Lines to remind myself (+ spiritual/magical/psychological intent in the process) – If I like x about y person, and I am also x, then I can like/love myself.

The lists can also be a helpful jumping-off point for any future self-development projects I plan to do.

This is also a practical application of the Law of Attraction, BTW.

As part of the project, I’ll be asking on my social media, what kinds of things people like about me, to get some ideas going, and to remind myself that it’s not just me that says nice things about me (because that’s another source for the depression monster to draw from).

Thanks for reading!

πŸ˜πŸ’–πŸ˜

Jessie Marie

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